I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.