I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.