My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*