“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once