10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Watermelon Boss!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Need WebMD
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.