Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
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It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me irl
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.