A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
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Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said