WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
That took me a moment.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
This will never not be funny 😭
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”