job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.