My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You Might Also Like
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I wish I were this cool 😂
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Mountain Goat : )
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.