People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Investing in beetcoin
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…