That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.