*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
What an awful time to have common sense.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things