When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.