I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.