Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
this is uni
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample