how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs