Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me too door. Me too.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Body by Oreos