For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct