using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.