Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
You Might Also Like
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Cat is stressing him out.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face