A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Pringles
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?