I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
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My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY