[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.