Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.