I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My god she’s good.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen