HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed