Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.