After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises