Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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What personal space?
My dog
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR