#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Seems legit
I’m having an out of money experience.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.