When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend