My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Breaking news:
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.