A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
You Might Also Like
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.