My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
No way!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.