I wanna be friends with this person
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[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
O Wise One….
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.