In space, no one can hear…
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My wife gives the best headache.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that