what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I want what they have
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
no such thing as a dumb question
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.