Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Beware of the dog..
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood