Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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when someone compliments me
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
😂😂😂
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.