Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
these two trucks have the same bed length
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer