Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
The Onion called it…again.