Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?