“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The best plant holders?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.