Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train