My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
mmm onion ringos
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb