I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.