I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Children of the corn 🌽