I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
our love story in four pictures
when mom throws a party…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring