Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?